Saturday, March 14, 2009

Pre-Lepidopteran ignition

I have gone for days thinking that I would have something interesting to share, and yet each time I sit down to this page, the process devolves into some self-referential neurosis about my impending technological obsolescence, perhaps fueled by some itch at the back of my head inspired by what may very well be a worm/trojan cranky ad-splosion waiting to happen, a la ATHF's www.izzard.d. I'd done so well without anti-virus protection, and now my computer's gone done got the clap.

Lately, my dreams have been consumed with the potential varieties of beer and food. I expect to consume vast American Glutton-style portions of pho, dim sum, daal, and whatever maddening variety of brunch food comes across my way. "Can I get some lamb saag with a wheat beer and a stack of kiwi pancakes? Great, Thanks!" No, ladies and gents, om nom nom does no justice to the sounds of a black hole's accretion disk whose event horizon begins at my uvula. Yes, I will be drinking at brunch. hic.

Next, I shall fawn over anything and everything showery, lotiony and shavey. Goat's milk soap? Toner? SPF 15 facial moisturizer? Mmmmmmaybe some BPAL? I'm overdue for some BPAL. I'm the only dude I know who refuses to smell like either ambergris or Axe. I wanna smell like fucking vetivert and passion flower, dammit! Gimme some jasmine neroli mandarin rose pepper nonsense!

Lastly, I plan to curb my rampant abuse of psychedelics and alcohol with some good olf fashioned opiates courtesy of exercise. See, if I trick myself into thinking of it as a cheap high, I might actually do it. Self destruction can be such a great motivator. I'll be one of maybe three people who, while running, may seem as if they're actually running with a purpose, even if that purpose is to high five the talking statue of Commodore Barry in Independence Park before the trip turns into a soul-searching fugue. What fun!

After adequate narcissistic ventures, maybe I'll... y'know... actually contribute to humanity. If this could include adventurous PG-movie hijinx, then we're definitely in business.

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