Sunday, March 1, 2009

Life outside the Fractal

It would be nice to forget about money for a while. I mean, this period of feeling panic at the very mention of it's getting kind of boring. "Oh, wait, I can't get any new fancy soap because..." "Hey, I'd love to go out drinking and embarassing myself and everyone around me but..." "Oh, gee, getting high as a kite and blowing out the gummed up pipework in my mind would just float my boat, but I might run into a drug test while interviewing for a second job since..." So, I'm out of Lush soap and coming as close to that "good kid" that I used to be soooooo very many years ago when my stiffest drink was shandy (Sprite and Beer mixed together. It was as good as it sounds).

I've learned a lot from this dry period. Going from stoned on a daily basis to cold turkey has helped me gain an appreciation for how much of what I experienced was just my own mind. I chased a lot of phantoms in that period, and a lot of that came from the projection and objectification of the tools I was using at the time. Each dose was a hope that somehow I'd get launched into one of those mind-blowing religious experiences, and frankly, they grew few and far between as time went on. My jaw was always clenched in some neurotic fit, and it was tough not to fall into smug self-reference.

Even though those big enlightening fireworks would go off here and there, and I know that there're patterns I'm missing while "clean," a lot of things I've learned while under the influence have stuck, to my surprise. The time away seems to have reiterated what's really important: it's just a little easier to navigate without the sensory and intuitive barrage. Trust me, I'm nowhere near getting a sensible haircut and getting a cubicle job to find a boring hot chick that'll squirt out some kids before we inevitably split and I lose both custody of the kids and the cool half of everything I own. I'm still not getting a car or going back to college: both seem equally ridiculous straight as they do stoned. Maybe when it's not 1 am I'll get into it more.

Despite all that, the real reasons I want to get this money situation handled are still a) getting drunk, but with friends. b) tripping out, but only to face some demons and get to know myself and c) Lush products, but... more of them so I can smell frilly all the time.

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