Friday, May 29, 2009

Le Pendu

This week's put me on the fucking edge, and I'd like to thank my friend Brendan for having the foresight to be born on May 26th in order to make things remotely bearable.

I had a job offer for a retail chain that peddles in wares for which I have a great passion. So, in order to become a blip on the radar, I had to fill out an online application for this company. I filled out all of the pertinent information, and then came the "personality profile" stuff. Now, the questions within were things that I wouldn't fucking ask anyone I didn't share a major life experience with. Most of them I wish I had an extra option for "none of your fucking business; this has nothing to do with my job performance." Nevertheless, I answered as honestly as I could, with a little embellishment where I felt I could wiggle. So, I pop in to check on the update, and I had a red flag. Is it that I want to spend my free time alone, most of the time? Is it that I take pride in my work? What, in that godforsaken quiz, makes me seem like I'm going to set the store on fire while stealing the register? Shouldn't these questions be reserved for a face-to-face interview? In order for the company to view me as a viable candidate, I have to compromise my integrity.

In between this, I had bought a ton of cleaning products for a big Memorial Day/Birthday clean with my roommate while at work. While walking home, I passed a large group of people at Broad and Bainbridge. I thought little of it, until I heard a pop and the groupd of people began running wildly. Figuring "Oh, that was probably a gunshot" I began running as well. A boy probably not much older than 17 started running next to me, and as I turned to ask him what the fuck was going on, he clocked me. While I was dazed, he and others took the cleaning products from my hands, as well as my shoulder bag which contained a tarot deck, a pair of sunglasses, a journal and my work uniform. The crowd pulled away, and I found my uniform and journal lying on the sidewalk. It was such a freak event, but I've been shaken up by it for a bit, now. I think about the circumstances of why I got out of work late enough to experience this, why I got targeted for mugging, and the absurdity of what was stolen, and I find I have a hard time loving mankind in the same way.

Well, this same job has also given me no hours to work next week, and I'd like to figure out whether or not I've been downsized, or if this presages a spotty, obnoxious work schedule. I fought for this job, I battled with myself to maintain my integrity in that preposterous workplace, and I'm returned to the conditions I was in that put me in the position where I needed this job in the first place.

I've been a mental and spiritual train wreck this year, and I just hoped for a little stability, just one fewer things over which to fret. It's getting really hard to keep it together. I have tried relating my feelings to people, and the feelings are understandably deflected and trivialized. I feel very strongly and very intensely, and that's not going to change just to make the people around me comfortable. I often wish my conscience could allow me one of those big, selfish meltdowns that leaves a massive scar of physical and psychic turmoil behind. As much as I regret it sometimes, I'm very glad that I was given the heart that I have. The breadth of experience it allows seems so rare, as painful as it is sometimes. I've withstood what seems like an eternity of heartache. I've accepted roles both chivalrous and contemptible. I've upheld my core beliefs, even when I didn't even know it.

I have no clue how I will handle all of this, but I trust myself. I trust that ineffable Void to offer forth the elements required of me to keep me around to fulfill my purpose for being here. If not, I trust that it will at least allow me to peacably close my affairs before it ejects me from all that I know.


13 Muluc said...

Hi Ben, trying to process emotions while they are occuring is a bit like attempting to eat a half-cooked pudding. It is too hot and sticky and generally unappetising. It will taste better later, once it has cooked and cooled down. That said, there seems to be some symbolic content as well. Some things were lost, and others kept. If these items were dream symbols, what could they represent for you?

Ben said...

See, that's the funny thing: most of the items that left my posession were ones I wasn't thrilled with anyway. The tarot deck came from a time in my life that I felt ready to process, the bag was already ragged, the sunglasses a foolhardy and expensive purchase made during more abundant times, aaaand a toilet brush with some spray cleaner. As many of the elements were worn down or a burden in some form or another, it felt like a shedding of skin, or the forcible seizure of an offering.

The cleaning products I ended up getting again (oddly fitting: it was in honor of my friend's 30th birthday, whose sun is in Gemini, during Mercury Retrograde. One to the immortal twin and one to the mortal, I suppose). The objects with which I was left were the most basic things needed. It seemed like a "Tower" trump moment.

Thank you very much for your inisight!

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