Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sputtering Toward Do Long Bridge

Back on the drugs, but it's a little more functional this time. I think I needed some time to remember that I could have religious experiences sober.

Every so often I have an occurrence where a bunch of things that relate to a singular concept go haywire. Lately, it's communication. I can't make outgoing calls, my typing's been wretched (some of the typos have been flabbergasting), and I've been really really outspoken over the stupidest things, while dead silent over what matters.

I find communication bores me, when studied for too long without some subjective feeling thrown in. Still, we receive signals and pick up cues from the environment, and language and communication methods, as shitty and slapdash as they are, are the closest we have to sharing how each of us interpret those signals. Vocabulary fascinates me, and in truth, I would really like to brush up on Latin, and try, in some slappy way, to learn Farsi, Sanskrit, or just about any other weird old root language. I pick up tonality and pronunciation quickly (not perfectly). It's like swimming: you don't really think you want to get in the water, but once you're in, it's freakin' great.

But.. who fucking cares? Who needs to know that I want to study dead languages, just so they can bug me about it later, in the "uncomfortable" silence? I muse about doing a million things, but I never have the resources for them, and as long as I can handle the basics, I don't give a fuck. I would rather know about what's moved someone, or blown their preconceptions of reality to pieces, or moments when the environment, in its weird way, spoke to them. I really don't jibe with a person if they're trying to impress me. I don't jibe with myself when I try to impress people. We aren't that fantastic on a whole. In fact, most of us end up fascinating wholly by mistake. In the end, I guess I'd prefer to understand than adore. There's this one cartoon where the conniving dick of a villain said the following: "Admiration is the furthest thing from understanding." The quote has, so far, held pretty correlative.

Hey, remember when these weren't quite as autocentric? No? It's a goal of mine to make this blog as impersonal and universal as possible, using life only to reference greater themes in the entry. Still, only way out is through.

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